Becki Bakes!

I bake, I blog, I raise babies….and this is where I tell you all about it!

Not Forgotten. February 26, 2010

Filed under: Remembrance — beckid987 @ 6:32 am

Most of the time Mom’s death and all of my feelings that go with it are compressed into a hard little rock of a fact that I keep pushed to the side of my mind and my heart.

But during the quiet times throughout the day, and especially at night, that little rock becomes something different and it starts unfolding itself and becoming a web of memories, regrets and longings.

When I’m out doing things with other people, Mom’s passing is just a fact.  It’s that manageable little rock that can be pushed aside or put into a box and dealt with.  When I’m home with Lauren during the day, taking stock of things and making plans for the future is when it starts to get fuzzy again.  Mom will never meet this new little girl coming in June; she will never see me ride the horse she gave me; she won’t gather with the rest of us at Dad’s new farm; she won’t tell me what she thinks about my redecorating ideas for my own house – she is GONE.  And somehow my life is going on without her.  But not, because every little thing eventually reminds me of her.

I have been dreaming of Mom almost every night lately.  The dreams are all different, but the ending is the same.  Mom is always sick and in the end she is dying and there is nothing that I can do about it.  I often wake David up with my tossing and moaning, but the dreams aren’t all bad.  I’ve dreamed of talking to Mom about many of the things going on in my life right now and it feels so good to be able to share with her again; although her dream advice and commentary is much more blunt and irritated than it was in reality.  I’m not really talking to Mom, after all…I’m talking to my injured sub-self.

I’m not the only one missing Mom.  I have been thinking about reaching out to her friends in a selfish effort to comfort myself by finding some piece of Mom in them, but it doesn’t work like that.  I did run into one of Mom’s very best friends a few weeks ago and when she saw me, she looked like she was seeing a ghost.  We were in a place that we both had been with Mom before, and seeing me there clearly confused and hurt Mom’s friend.  She had been lost in involuntary thoughts about Mom and I was not the answer that she was looking for.  That was a strange realization for me – that the world does not revolve around me and my own grief.

Be good to one another – better than necessary, even.  You never know what’s going on under the surface.

Still learning,



Show Me The LOVE! February 14, 2010

Filed under: Baking Goodness! — beckid987 @ 2:29 pm

It’s Valentine’s day, and in my opinion, nothing says sweet love better than SWEETS!

So for our church Valentine’s banquet this past Friday, I went all Bakerella and made marshmallow swirl brownie pops and red velvet cake pops.  I think they turned out absolutely adorable, but honestly, I have no idea how Bakerella does all the intricate, detailed confections she is constantly cranking out.  I think I ended up making roughly 30 pops, and it took me approximately 6 hours.  Much like my hair and make-up, I do not have the patience for that kind of cuteness!  And my pops were way messier looking than Bakerella’s, too.  Yargh.  Although in my defense, Bakerella does not have one of these cute little bundles of destruction tugging at her legs while she does her thing:

Lauren <3's Tupperware!

Lauren <3's Tupperware!

I am glad I made the pops, I just don’t see them coming up in my future again soon.  Especially since they were heart-shaped.  The heart-shape makes it really difficult to smoothly and quickly coat them with the candy melts.  Round pops are much easier!  So if you’re feeling totally adorable and froggy, here’s the scoop on all things Pops:

Red Velvet Cake Pops by Bakerella

-1 box red velvet cake mix (cook as directed on box for 13 X 9 cake, or 2 rounds.  It does not matter.)


-1 can cream cheese frosting (16 oz.) I only used 1/2 the can.  I don’t know why.  If I do these again, I’ll probably go with the whole thing!
-1 package chocolate bark (regular or white chocolate or other colored candy melts, depending on your project!)
-wax paper


-After cake is cooked and cooled completely, crumble into large bowl. (I crumbled it into big chunks by hand, then used a mixer to really pulverize it.  What?  I already said I don’t possess an abundance of patience!)

Crumbled cake!

-Mix thoroughly with 1 can cream cheese frosting. (It may be easier to use fingers to mix together, but be warned it will get messy.) Fingers, Bakerella?  Puh-lease.  I used the mixer here, too!

-Roll mixture into quarter size balls and lay on cookie sheet lined with wax paper. (Should make 45-50. You can get even more if you use a mini ice cream scooper, but I like to hand roll them.)  OK, for this step I used a heart-shaped candy mold to squish little chunks of the cake mix into, well, heart shapes!

Candy mold! Not to be confused with moldy candy....

-Carefully insert lollipop sticks into your cake balls/hearts/what-have-you.

Super cute already, no?

-Chill for several hours. (You can speed this up by putting in the freezer.  You know I stuck mine in the freezer!)

-Melt chocolate (or candy melts) in microwave per directions on package.

-Roll balls in chocolate and lay on wax paper until firm. (Use a spoon to dip and roll in chocolate and then tap off extra.) I used a knife to spread the candy coating on my pops, and then I stuck them in a styrofoam block and put them in the freezer so they wouldn’t take so long to set up.

ah candy much much more frustration!

-Then I made little tags for my pops, like so:

Yes, they are messy. I was running out of time!

-Then I bagged ’em and tagged ’em, and stuck em in cute little vases like so:

Oh yeah, I also added sprinkles to my pops. The red ones aren't melting, they have white glitter sprinkles!

-For the brownie pops, I used a box of fudge brownie mix.  I made these once before and made them according to the “fudgy” brownie directions and they turned out awesome.  This time for some reason I thought I’d try making them according to the “cake-like” brownie directions and my pops came out kind of dry.  So, go fudgy with your fudgy brownie mix!  Then crumble your brownies while they’re still warm, grab a jar of marshmallow creme and nuke it for about 20 seconds.  Add most of that to your brownies and roll into pops as directed above!

Then last night I made a whole meal o’love for David and my Dad, ala The Pioneer Woman. This involved spending another half a day in the kitchen…but it wasn’t quite as labor intensive as those crazy Pops.  I made Drip Beef Sandwiches, which both my Dad and Dave were somewhat skeptical about until they actually tried them.  Then it was nothing but “more, please!” I also made onion straws, and roasted garlic mashed potatoes.  And salad, of course. Everything was fabulous.  But the icing on the cupcake, if you will, was the LIFE by Chocolate Cupcakes.  Just look at these beauties:


Reality Check: Life IS Fragile. January 27, 2010

Filed under: Baby Stuff,Life Changing Events — beckid987 @ 11:47 pm

Let me skip to the end:  Lauren is back home with us tonight, and God willing, all is well.

Now let’s start at the beginning:

Monday morning Lauren threw up her bottle of milk.  Not really a big deal, but then later that afternoon I noticed her getting warm and whiny, took her temp and it was 102.8.  I gave her Tylenol, and stayed up with her as she tossed and turned most of the evening, giving her Tylenol a couple more times when her fever got high.  She had no more vomiting, no runny nose or cough.

Tuesday she was somewhat lethargic – she took several naps throughout the morning and early afternoon, which is unusual for her, but wasn’t too worrisome given that she hadn’t slept much the night before and she was still not feeling well.  I gave her Tylenol without taking her temperature when she started feeling hot around 3pm, then we packed up and did our grocery shopping at Wal-Mart, where she was very happy and interested in everything.  When we returned home I fed her a bottle and she fell asleep, so I put her down in her bassinet.

Between 6:30 and 7:30pm (not sure of the exact time) she woke up crying while Dave and I were cooking dinner.  David got her out of the bassinet and brought her to the kitchen where I was cooking.  He left her standing in the floor and went back to the grill.  She stood next to me crying for about 30 seconds, then out of the corner of my eye I saw her fall backwards, hitting the left rear of her head on a closed cabinet on her way down.  She immediately stopped crying and just laid there, so I scooped her up and took her to the bedroom with the intention of checking her over, taking her temperature and giving her more Tylenol.  While carrying her to the bedroom, I realized she was 100% limp, and started getting an inkling that something was very wrong.  Lauren is never 100% limp, not even when she’s sleeping.  So I laid her on the floor and took a closer look at what was going on.

Her eyes were open, but looking to the right and not tracking or responding to anything.  I called for David, and by the time he got to us, the fingers on her right hand had started twitching, but the rest of her remained limp and unresponsive.  David told me to get the phone and he called 911, and while he was on the phone with them the twitching in her right hand gradually got more severe and spread to her arms and legs until her whole body was seizing.  She never stopped breathing, and never vomited, but I am so, so thankful that David was here when this happened.  Saying that I was hysterical would be putting it mildly.  I don’t know how he spoke so coherently with the 911 people, but he was amazing.  The sight of my baby not responding and twitching was enough to drive me mad.

Neither Dave or I had ever heard of febrile seizures before…and since she hit her head falling we thought she had broken her neck or something.  We thought she was seizing because of that, and that she was going to die or be a vegetable.  I have never prayed so hard, felt so helpless, or been so horrified in my entire life.  Waterboarding has nothing on the torture of putting a parent through this kind of ordeal.  At least not in my book.

The first officer on scene quickly moved to Lauren’s twitching body and examined her while radioing to the rescue vehicle.  A few minutes later, the firemen arrived, followed quickly by the EMS guys with the ambulance.  All of this took minutes, but seemed like an eternity.  By the time that EMS arrived (roughly 5 minutes?) and started strapping her to the body board, she was becoming alert and starting to cry again.  They took us down the street to a helicopter and the helicopter took us to Sacred Heart in Pensacola.  I never thought I would get in a helicopter, but I did not hesitate last night.  That bird was not taking my baby without me! I sat up front next to the pilot, and Lauren was in the back with the paramedics.  There was a canvas divider up, so I could not see what was going on, and they put earphones on me with the explanation that I would be able to speak with the pilot, but I think the main idea was that I wouldn’t hear Lauren and freak out.  Freaking out in a helicopter with all the buttons and things at my fingertips…well, the ending of this story would be much different!

The chopper pilot and crew were awesome, kind people.  The pilot tried to make nice talk with me, but I was not an attentive audience.  I do remember him saying he has a 4 month old daughter named Katherine Elizabeth.  Other than that, I sat frozen with my hands clasped, idly watching the nighttime bird’s eye view of the world beneath me, begging God to let Lauren be OK.

When we got to the hospital, I was greeted by a sea of medical faces and questions that were all a blur.  Lauren was taken to an ER room, where the somewhat disinterested, shaggy haired doctor ordered a CT scan, and Lauren was wheeled to yet another room for the scans.  She was very alert and very angry and scared at this point.  Apparently she was not cooperating with the “lay still for the CT machine” direction, and the doctors tried to get me to stand with her, until I told them I was pregnant.  They quickly shuffled me back out, where I waited for what felt like eons.  Finally they were satisfied with the images, and brought Lauren back out to the ER room and told me that everything looked normal.  Words that meant nothing to me at the time, such as “febrile seizure” were thrown around, Tylenol was administered, paperwork was shuffled, Lauren cried much and at some point the shaggy haired doctor poked his head back in to say something that meant nothing to me.  Then David appeared, and so did a nurse, who spent the next 20 minutes unsuccessfully attempting to draw blood from my baby.  Torture for Lauren and for us, although I was so, so relieved to have my crying baby and not the limp, unresponsive girl who laid on my bedroom floor.

My wonderful in-laws arrived, our church pastor arrived, and the shaggy haired doctor returned to complain that the doctor who read the CT scan thought he found something indicating developmental problems, and that she would have to wear a neck brace all night until a neurosurgeon could take a look at the CT images.  The guy was ready to walk back out – David basically had to be all, “Excuse me??  Developmental problems?  WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?”  And Dr mumbled something about it having nothing to do with the seizure, which was more than likely febrile in nature (again, WHAT? and he explained) but might cause other problems down the line, the neurosurgeon would explain it all in the morning.  UGH.

Long story shortened, all the nurses and doctors and everybody that we saw once we were taken up to the infant/toddler ward were awesome, caring people.  I still love the Sacred Heart hospital system, even though the ER doc left much to be desired.  The neurosurgeon arrived at 7am, had us briefly recount the evening, advised us in no uncertain terms that Lauren had a febrile seizure, which was not to be worried about.  Then she looked at the CT scan and said that what the ER doc was looking at was the result of Lauren not being still for the scan, but ordered x-rays to be safe.  The x-rays did not show anything, so there is no developmental issue in her neck, and everyone at Sacred Heart agrees that Lauren had a febrile seizure.

Her blood work showed her white cell count was normal, so that ruled out infection.  They also tested for RSV, although not for influenza, which kind of bothers me.  The Sacred Heart folks said she has a virus that is causing the fevers, and the fever caused the seizure.  She had a Febrile Seizure which the doctors tell us is common (1 in 20 children between 6 mos and 6 years old will experience one) in infants and toddlers when they have a sudden and drastic rise in temperature. I do not know how many of you have witnessed someone, much less an infant, having a seizure, but that was the most frightening thing I have ever witnessed.  The blank look on her face, the rolled eyes and the jerking limbs will haunt me forever…

Lauren is sleeping soundly at the moment but we’ve been holding and hugging and watching her relentlessly.  It’s funny (or just sad) how we can go days just running through our schedules on autopilot without fully appreciating this precious little girl we hold in our hands.  I love my daughter more than my own life but I rush around the house too much, I get bored with her games too quickly, I forget what a gift I have been given too easily.  I regularly pray for Lauren’s safety, spiritual life and health, and do my best to trust God with her life but this experience really brought home the fact that my own sense of control is an illusion.

Tomorrow we have a follow-up appointment with our local pediatrician, who we hope will determine exactly what this virus is that’s causing the fevers.  I’ll keep you posted!

Cherish every moment together,



They should have called it “Where the Wild Things AREN’T.” January 21, 2010

Filed under: Random Blathering — beckid987 @ 4:59 pm

OK, so I started this post umm….a long time ago.  When “Where The Wild Things Are” was in the theaters.  But I never finished it.  It being the blog.  Last night Dave and I rented “9” and it was disappointing and irritating, which reminded me of THIS movie, so I figured I would kill two birds with one stone and rant about both movies now.  Aren’t you excited to hear my whining??  Of course you are!  So here we go!

Before yesterday (or, at this point, many many yesterdays ago), David and I had not been to a movie in over a year.  Add to that the fact that we both LOVE the book, “Where The Wild Things Are” and you can imagine how super excited we (OK especially me) were to go see the movie yesterday.

This movie got great reviews.  Rotten Tomatoes gave it a 73% approval rating.  People said things like, “[It is] A poignant dissection of youth with nine-foot furry monsters, gorgeous production design, frenetic camerawork and a playful, wistful score from Karen O. Never mind the little ones. This beauty will have most grown-ups blubbing.”

This about sums up the mood of the entire film. PUT THEM OUT OF THEIR MISERY, ALREADY!

Um.  Blubbing, maybe.  Playful, wistful score? NO. The music alone made me want to cry, cry, cry.  All of the characters were sad, emotionally disordered train wrecks.  Correct me if I’m wrong, but the book was about Max being WILD and rambunctious and so were the wild things.  They weren’t wildly depressed.  They were wildly playful and full of testosterone and childishness. The movie spends all of it’s time in a kind of dragging, adult depression that is entirely too distressed and distressing.  If I had known what I was getting myself into, I would never have subjected myself to this movie.  And I would definitely never take my kids to see it! OK, I think that’s all I have to say about that.  Thank you for letting me get that off of my chest!

As for “9,” it too was sad, slow, and pointless.  Pointless in that it had no real storyline, and did not have any sort of underlying theme that I could discern.  I will say that the graphics and animation were pretty awesome….but IMHO, that does not make a movie!  One of my favorite reviews for this one says, “This movie is what would happen if the folks at Pixar were manic depressives . . .

The main character wearing his main expression. HUHHH.

OK, I feel better now.  Thanks for listening to me rant!

Won’t someone please make a decent kid’s movie?



Happy New Year! January 5, 2010

Filed under: Baking Goodness!,Friends & Loved Ones,Random Blathering — beckid987 @ 11:56 pm

I hope the holidays were as kind to you as they were to me.  I won’t say they were easy, necessarily, because there were definitely many melt-downs for me as I remembered and missed my Mom.  But those moments were only moments, and on the whole I had a GREAT holiday season, mostly thanks to David’s awesome family.  Man do I love those people. All of ’em, right down to the great-grannies.  They’re fun, they’re loving, they accept and even seem to like me, and they ADORE my kiddo.

Lauren had a fabulous first Christmas, thank you for asking.  She has more toys than we have space now.  What a blessing of a “problem” to have!  She had a great time rocking out to all the singing Christmas decorations, and she kept her cousins entertained and harassed getting into every little thing they left sitting out.  Lauren and her cousins are the cutest things going, by the way.  Don’t believe me?  I have proof!

Lauren and her cousin Leah

Lauren and cousins Dalton and Devin

I trust you are convinced!

I did do a lot of cooking and baking over the holidays, but I did not do a lot of photographing.  Sorry, guys!  How about if I post two recipes today to make up for it?  Yes?  OK!

Christmas Eve Mice


-1 package Oreo Cookies, twisted apart, or 2 packages white chocolate covered oreos, whole (I have not made them with the white chocolate oreos.  Yet.  Next year, my pretties…next year!)

-2 jars Maraschino Cherries, With Stems, drained, rinsed and patted dry

40 Hershey’s Kisses, unwrapped

Approximately 1 cup sliced almonds

1 cup semisweet chocolate chips

2 tsp shortening

1 tube red icing gel and 1 tube green icing gel


-Set up an assembly line, however works for you.  I did mine like so:

Assembly line, minus the melted chocolate.  It's there, just not in the shot.

Assembly line, minus the melted chocolate. It's there, just not in this shot.

-Put your chocolate chips and the shortening in a small bowl and microwave in 30 second intervals until completely melted.  Stir until smooth.

-Grab a cherry by the stem and completely dunk the cherry in the chocolate (not the stem!)

-Place cherry on it’s side on Oreo Cookie.  Place it over to one side more, so you will have room to pipe your decorations next to the mouse.  The cherry makes up the mouse body and the stem is it’s tail.

-Quickly press the flat side of a Hershey kiss to the side of the cherry opposite the stem.  The kiss makes up the mouse head.

-Place two almond slices between the kiss and the cherry – these make up the mouse ears.

-Repeat until you have 40 mice completed.  You will probably need to reheat your chocolate once or twice during this process – that’s OK.

-Use your red and green gel to pipe holly decorations next to your mouse.  You can also use the red gel to make eyes for your mouse, or use black gel if you have it.  Black would be much cuter, but I always use red because I’m too cheap to buy 3 tubes of icing.

-Serve at your next holiday party and eat up the ooh’s and ahh’s and “how cute!”s.

OK, and recipe #2 I discovered and made today.  How’s that for fresh blogging, huh??  I took this recipe from Katie at You Are What You Eat…Or Reheat – how cute is that title??  She’s funny and makes good food.  And she loves animals and The Pioneer Woman.  Which reminds me – I need to show you one of my favorite Christmas presents this year!  Check this puppy out:

That's right, ladies and gents! My very own PW cookbook signed by THE Pioneer Woman herself. She even spelled my name right!

David was totally awesome to make that happen.  I think he loves me or something!

OK, so here’s another recipe that you really need to try ASAP:

Chocolate Chip Brownie Pillows


-1 (20 oz) pkg double chocolate brownie mix

-1 stick unsalted butter (I used salted, and I think my cookies turned out just fine.  David agrees!)

-1/2 cup shortening

-1 1/2 cups firmly packed brown sugar (Katie did not specify dark or light.  I used light, because that’s what I had.)

-2 large eggs

-1 egg yolk

-1 tbsp vanilla extract

-2 1/2 cups unbleached all purpose flour (I used bleached.  It’s what I had.  Again, David and I agree – these turned out fabulously!)

-2 tsp baking powder

-1/2 tsp baking soda

-3/4 tsp salt

-3 cups semisweet chocolate chips


-Prepare brownies according to package directions in an 8″ square pan.  Cool completely.

-Then cut into 3 dozen or so tiny squares.

Little, little bites.

-While the brownies are baking, beat butter and shortening at medium speed until creamy.

-Add brown sugar, beating until smooth.

-Add eggs, yolk, and vanilla, beating until blended.

-Combine flour and next three ingredients; gradually add to butter mixture, beating until blended after each addition.

-Stir in chocolate chips, cover, and chill dough 1 hour.

Show me the DOUGH!

-Preheat oven to 350 degrees. (Unless you’re like me and just left your oven on between making the brownies and chilling the cookie dough.  Oops.)

-For each cookie, scoop 1/2 cup dough onto wax paper lined cookie sheet; place cookies 3 in. apart. Using fingers make an indention in mound of dough; place 1 brownie square in center. Press dough around brownie to form a ball. Repeat. (OK I totally did not do mine like this.  I scooped out a heaping tablespoon, smooshed it down, smashed in a piece of brownie, then added another stingy tablespoon on top.  It was just easier that way, and made much smaller and many more cookies.)

-Chill 15 minutes.

-Bake 18-20 minutes or until lightly browned and cookies look set.

-Cool 2 minutes.

-Remove to wire rack and let cool completely.

It's a BROWNIE. In the middle of a CHOCOLATE CHIP COOKIE. Yes!!

-Try not to eat all of these bad boys in one sitting.  Especially if you’ve made new year’s resolutions involving diets and other such nonsense.

Here’s to a glorious 2010,



Mom’s Yule Log Cake December 15, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — beckid987 @ 4:44 pm

I did some baking for my church’s Christmas banquet last weekend, so let me share!

The Yule Log recipe is from my Mom…she made this cake every year for as long as I can remember.  She always made one for her dressage club Christmas party, and if we were lucky, we could talk her into making another one for the family!

Yule Log Cake with Meringue Mushrooms

Cake Ingredients:

-14 finely crushed Oreos
-1/3 cup all-purpose flour
-1/2 teaspoon baking powder
-5 eggs, separated, at room temperature
1/2 cup granulated sugar
powdered sugar for sprinkling

Nekkid Yule Log

Chocolate Filling Ingredients:

-1 cup heavy whipping cream
-1/4 cup powdered sugar
-2 tablespoons unsweetened cocoa

Chocolate Frosting Ingredients:

-1/3 cup softened butter
-1 1/2 cups  powdered sugar
-2 squares (1 ounce each)  unsweetened chocolate
-2 tablespoons milk
-1 tablespoon imitation rum flavoring (I only used a drop of this)

Filled, frosted and dusted with powdered sugar

Meringue Mushroom Ingredients:

-2 egg whites
-1/4 teaspoon cream of tartar
-1/8 teaspoon salt
-1/3 cup semi-sweet chocolate chips
-1/2 cup granulated sugar



Cake Directions:

-Preheat oven to 350°

-Grease a 15″ x 10″ jelly roll pan; line pan with foil; HEAVILY GREASE FOIL.

In a small bowl, combine Oreo crumbs, flour and baking powder; set aside.

-In a large mixing bowl, with electric mixer at medium speed, beat 5 egg yolks with granulated sugar until light yellow.

-In small mixing bowl, with electric mixer at high speed, beat 5 egg whites until stiff peaks form.

-Gently fold whites into yolk mixture along with crumb mixture.  Spread evenly in prepared pan.

-Bake for 15 minutes, or until cake springs back with lightly touched.

-Sprinkle a hand towel with powdered sugar.  Loosen the edges of cake and invert it onto the towel.

-Starting at the long side, roll cake and towel, jelly-roll fashion.  Cool on wire rack.

-Unroll cake and spread with chocolate filling; reroll.  Transfer to serving dish and diagonally slice a 3 inch piece from the roll and place it against the side of roll to resemble a cut-off branch.  Ice with chocolate frosting, and chill until serving time.  Garnish with meringue mushrooms.

Chocolate Filling Directions:

-In a small bowl, combine all ingredients.  Beat with electric mixer at medium speed until stiff peaks form.

I find this works much better if you chill the bowl and beaters in the freezer for a few minutes beforehand.

Chocolate Frosting Directions:

-In small mixing bowl, with electric mixer at medium speed, beat butter with half of powdered sugar until blended.  Add remaining sugar, chocolate, milk and rum; beat until blended.

Meringue Mushroom Directions:

-Preheat oven to 225°.  Line cookie sheet with parchment paper.

-In small mixing bowl, with electric mixer at high speed, beat 2 egg whites, cream of tartar and salt until soft peaks form.  Gradually add granulated sugar, beating until stiff, shiny peaks form.

-On parchment paper, pipe meringue in 1 inch rounds for mushroom tops and 1 inch lengths for stems.

-Bake for 60 minutes, then turn oven off and allow meringues to stand in oven for 30 minutes.

-In small bowl, microwave chocolate chips in 30 second intervals until completed melted.  Assemble mushrooms by making a small hole in the underside of mushroom tops to fit stems; spread underside of each mushroom with chocolate; fit in stems.

The Finished Product!

This cake is kind of a lot of work, but it is definitely worth it.  The whole thing was gone within minutes of it’s being cut at the banquet.  There were more people than I had planned on – I think there were around 50 people.  I should have made 2 cakes!

Anyway, try this recipe – you won’t be disappointed!

Merry Christmas!



Adjusting December 9, 2009

Filed under: Remembrance — beckid987 @ 5:32 pm

In case you hadn’t heard, my Mom passed away on November 15.  I’ve been trying to wrap my head and my heart around that hard FACT ever since.

This is the first time I have ever really had to deal with death.  I have been fortunate enough to never lose anybody close to me until now.  And it’s not that I just lost somebody “close” to me – I lost my MOM.  As I’ve grown up, Mom and I have had our differences, and gone through growing pains as I’ve gone from child to adult and made my own decisions, not all of which Mom agreed with.  But I can honestly say that my Mom and I never had a major “falling out” – there was never any period of time where we were not on speaking terms, or where we avoided eachother.

My Mom was my touchstone.  She was my best friend – my whole life, she’s known pretty much everything there is to know about me.  Even as an adult, she basically defined my holidays and made sure the family stuck together.  We relied on her to be the heart of our family, and now we’re going to have to take everything she taught us and stick together without her.

And of course I have regrets.  I spent a lot of time with my Mom – I usually saw her at least a couple of times a week.  We were closer than most people I know are to their parents.   But I wish that I had spent more time telling her how much she meant to me, and thanking her for everything.  I visited Mom the day before she passed, and she asked me to brush her hair, which I did for about 5 minutes.  She wanted me to keep brushing it, but I was tired and told her I would later.  Of course I did not brush her hair again.  I wish I hadn’t gotten frustrated with her when she got confused and angry with me – she was on medication and wasn’t entirely lucid.  I wish I had spent more time saying goodbye that afternoon.

It is a very hard concept to grasp that there is no “going back” and that Mom isn’t going to come back.  After her funeral (or celebration of life, as we called it) I kept feeling so incomplete because I couldn’t talk to Mom about it.  I wanted to know what she thought about it, and talk about all the people who came and what was said and just process it all with her like I am used to doing with most things.

For a while I kept telling myself I just had to get through…the funeral…Thanksgiving….Christmas…then things would get easier.  But that’s not really true.  Mom is not coming back to refill that hollow spot.  We all just have to get used to it and work around it and let ourselves be happy with everything that we still have.  I have to do that.

Be kind to one another,


Mom’s Obituary